Fallout
by Nytel
Summary: This story is based on spoilers for season 3. The summary is inside for spoiler purposes. WARNING: Suicide related topics


**Summary:** Lee is forced to help Kara deal with the fallout from the cylon occupation.

**Fallout **

He knew that he should still be mad at her, especially since they had yet to talk about their fight, but when she stepped off the raptor looking so broken, he just couldn't.

It was the first time he had seen her since she left the military, nearly a full year before. She wasn't the happy and energetic newlywed that she had been back then. Instead she was… broken. That's the only word he could even think of to describe what he saw.

She was the last person to leave the raptor, and she didn't walk out so much as stumble. He couldn't see much from his vantage point above Galactica's flight deck, but he knew that she had changed. She had cut her hair, it was now barely longer than his, she had also lost a lot of weight, her tanks looked like they were hanging off of her. The physical changes weren't the only ones though. He was able to catch a glimpse of her eyes as she scanned the hanger deck and he hated what he saw. She looked like she was haunted by something. He hated it more because he had no idea what it was.

* * *

The next few days were extremely hectic. It had taken longer than they had originally anticipated to get the fleet back into a working order. In that time he saw Kara only twice. Both times she wouldn't meet his gaze and just walked past him in the hall as quickly as possible. It really worried him; he had been expecting anger, maybe even another fight, but not silence and complete avoidance.

Once things had settled down, reverting back to a semi-normal order, the newly re-elected President Roslin had called a meeting on Galactica to discuss the cylon occupation. New Caprica had been occupied for nearly three and a half months and the president felt it was necessary to compile all of the information that they had gained if they were to survive. That was why Lee found himself walking down the once again crowded hallways toward Galactica's conference room.

He opened the hatch and when he entered he saw a surprisingly few amount of people. His father, the president and Tyrol were all seated around the far side of the conference table, waiting, but they were the only people present. At first he was a little surprised to see Tyrol but he knew that he had been an integral part of the Resistance movement that had in the end allowed for a successful rescue mission.

Lee closed the hatch firmly behind him and walked over to the table, quickly nodding at each person, acknowledging their presence. He sat down on the near side of the table, directly across from his father.

"Commander," the president said as she folded her hands and placed them on the table in front of her. "Thank you for joining us. Now we're just waiting for one last person."

Lee looked around the table for a moment trying to figure out who was missing. "Colonel Tigh?" he asked, wondering if he too should have brought his XO.

It was his father who answered with a shake of his head. "No son. It's the person that the resistance group had on the inside."

Lee just nodded his assent as he tried to figure out who the hell it could be. It might serve his father better if he were a little less cryptic. He waited patiently for a few minutes before giving into temptation and leaning his head against the back of his chair and closing his eyes. No sooner had he done that then he heard the creak of the hatch opening behind him.

He opened his eyes quickly and turned to look over his shoulder. Kara? That was who the inside informant had been? Lee had always assumed that she had had a large role in the resistance, but to be the one on the inside…

She was dressed in her uniform, and Lee couldn't help but notice that she still looked too thin. She made her way over to the table, her arms wrapped around her stomach in some sort of defensive gesture.

He was more than a little surprised when she sat down in the chair next to him. He noticed the admiral giving them a strange look before turning away.

Lee thought that he should say something to her, anything. The thing was he had no idea what to say.

"Thank you for coming Captain," the president said softly.

Kara gave her a slight nod, but something seemed off. Lee risked a direct glance at her and noticed that her eyes seemed unfocused. Before he had a chance to even consider what that meant the president began to talk.

* * *

Lee looked up at the clock on the wall in front of him. They had been in the meeting for nearly two hours already, discussing anything and everything that had to do with the cylons. They were finally moving on to discussing the resistance group.

He looked over at Kara, wanting to know how she was holding up. She hadn't said more than three or four words since she had entered, and he knew that something was wrong. Now wasn't the time or the place to get into it though.

As soon as they got into the meat of the discussion about the resistance Tyrol mainly took over talking. He had been the unofficial leader, and he knew almost everything; everything except the information that Kara had gleaned.

When it was her turn to talk Kara's eyes dropped down to stare at her lap. She started playing with a loose thread on her jacket and Lee could tell that at that moment she wanted to be anywhere but where she actually was. He wished he could do something about it, comfort her in some way but they had grown so distant and he honestly didn't know how.

"Captain," Laura repeated, using the same soft tone she had earlier. "We need to know what you found out during the past three and a half months."

"Not as much as you might think," Kara replied, still not looking up. Lee sent his father a worried glance but neither of them stopped her from continuing. "They didn't exactly find it that important to let me know about their plans, especially after…" Her voice got caught in her throat and Lee felt a reinforcing need to comfort her. "I think they knew that I was likely to pass on anything I found out."

"You think they knew?" Laura questioned, leaning forward slightly.

Kara nodded. "Considering that I was living in the cylon headquarters I didn't learn that much."

Lee was suddenly confused and he was sure that it showed on his face. He didn't want to interrupt Kara, but he needed to know. "Living in cylon headquarters?" he asked, looking over at her. "Why would they let any of us live in their headquarters?"

"I didn't have a choice." Her voice was so soft that he could barely hear it, but it still broke his heart. She finally looked up to meet his eyes. He noticed something else other than the sadness, but he couldn't place it.

Not knowing what to say to that he just nodded his head and let her continue.

It didn't take her long at all to convey all that she had learned. It was mostly about their numbers and strength, the rest just being snippets of conversation that she had picked up and remembered.

"That's all you found out?" Laura asked, leaning towards Kara again.

She nodded her head. "That's it."

"Are you sure?" Laura pressed, sounding desperate for more information.

Kara looked up to meet her gaze. "I'm damn sure."

The president leaned back, as if Kara's word had had a physical effect on her. "I'm sorry Captain," she said, obviously taken aback by her change in demeanor. "I just wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything else that you had forgotten."

Her spine stiffened at the president's words and it was at that moment that Lee realized what he had seen in Kara's eyes. It had been fury, but there had been so much sadness too that he hadn't recognized it initially.

"I didn't forget," Kara spat out. Ignoring the admiral's warning plea of 'Kara', she continued. "If anything I remember it too frakking well."

Laura recoiled in her chair even further. "Captain, I'm sorry. I know that you've been through a lot…"

"You have no idea what I've been through!" Kara shouted, losing her control completely. She leaned forward, bracing her hands on her knees. "I let them… The things that I did to help the resistance, and now you want me to remember more, to do better."

"Captain, I'm sure that's not what the president meant," Tyrol said, apparently trying to calm her down.

"No," Kara yelled indignantly as she briefly turned to look at him. "You are not picking their side on this. You know better than anyone what I went through to get that information."

"No one is picking sides on this Captain," Tyrol said keeping his voice quiet. It was like he was trying to calm a wounded animal, and in a way he was.

It was like Kara didn't even register his words because she stood up abruptly, her chair toppling over, and she kept yelling. "I let him use me," she yelled at the president. Kara was obviously livid and there were tears spilling down her cheeks now too. "I let him use _my_ body so that I could get you your frakking information, and I'm _so_ sorry that it's not good enough."

Lee needed to do something; he stood up and placed his hand on her arm. "Kara," he said quietly. "Nobody's saying that it's not good enough."

She pulled away from him so fast that he thought she might get whiplash. "_You_," she spat out venomously. "You don't get to say anything."

His eyebrows shot up in surprise as all of her wrath turned to him. He barely even registered his father's warning of 'Captain Thrace!'

"Kara I…"

"No," she shouted, more tears streaming down her face. She wrapped her arms around her midriff in the same protective gesture as before. "You weren't supposed to leave me behind."

Lee's jaw literally dropped. He closed his mouth quickly though. To say that he was shocked would be an understatement. "We…"

"No!" She yelled again, taking a step towards him, so that they were only separated by a few inches. "It's supposed to be Starbuck and Apollo. We're supposed to be a team, but you left me behind." She pressed her finger into his chest hard, getting her point across

He vaguely heard the other occupants of the room talking, but he didn't register what they were saying. All that mattered was that Kara was broken and he had had a hand in causing it. What was worse was that he didn't know how to fix it. He opened his mouth to try and explain but she cut him off.

"I had to let him…" her voice faltered and she took a step back. Lee wanted nothing more than to make her pain stop. "Leoben wanted a stupid cylon/human child, and the only way that I was getting into those headquarters was if I agreed to give him one."

Lee felt tears pricking in the corners of his eyes as he stood there in shock. She had let him…

"I let him use me, do you have any idea what that feels like?" Her voice was bordering on the edge of hysteria and she was still yelling. "He got me pregnant twice. **Twice!**" She held up two fingers to emphasize her point, but her other arm stayed wrapped around her stomach.

"Oh Kara," he said quietly, automatically reaching toward her.

She just pulled back even further. "I had to have two abortions. The first one I got Cottle to do, but the second one… I had to do it myself."

She paused for a second and the rest of the room was completely silent. He knew that no one else had known this much about what had happened.

"And he found out," she said, her voice quieting a little bit. "He found out and…" She covered her mouth with her hand, smothering a sob. "He killed Sam because of what I did!" She was yelling again, and she was still crying. "I had to watch him kill Sam. And the last thing that I saw in my husband's eyes was disgust, because of what I had done."

She had turned back to look at his father and the president. "So don't you dare imply that what I did wasn't good enough. I gave up everything that I had, just to get you some frakking information."

Lee glanced over at them saw that he wasn't the only one who had been effected by her speech. Both his father and the president had tears welling up in their eyes too.

He stepped closer to Kara and before she could back away he grabbed her arms, just tightly enough so that she wouldn't get away.

"Kara listen to me," he said quietly, drawing her attention back to him. "It's going to be ok."

She let out a hysterical laugh. "It's going to be ok?" She asked in between sobs. "How the frak is it going to be ok?"

He ran his hands up her arms, stopping when he reached her shoulders. "I don't know, but it will."

She yanked herself out of his reach again before she started yelling. "It's not going to be ok. There's nothing left!"

"Don't you dare say that Kara," he said, his voice extremely low and dangerous.

"Why?" she asked, letting out another maniacal laugh. "It's true."

Then before Lee even knew what was happening Kara had pulled out her side arm. His brain hadn't even finished processing the implications by the time she had the safety turned off and it lifted to her temple.

He felt nauseous. He had no idea that it was this bad, that things had fallen this far for her. Starbuck was a fighter; she was supposed to never give up, _never_. But he wasn't dealing with Starbuck.

Lee could indistinctly hear his father, Tyrol and the president telling Kara to put the gun down. He wasn't focusing on that though, his eyes were locked with Kara's. She was going to do it. The realization shook him. They weren't going to be able to talk her down from doing this. He needed to do something and fast.

In one smooth and swift motion he stepped up to Kara, pulled out his sidearm, turned the safety off and held it up to his own head. "You're right Kara," he said quietly. "We're a team. Neither one of us gets to go anywhere without the other one."

Her eyes widened as she realized what he was doing. The cries and objections of his father, the president and Tyrol washed over him without any effect.

"If you die, I die."

Her grip on the gun faltered for the tiniest fraction of a second and he used the opening to pull it away from her. Before she could react he had put the safety back on for both the guns and threw them to the floor.

"What the hell are you thinking!" he screamed as he grabbed both of her arms just above the elbow.

He was shocked when her face crumpled and she collapsed against him sobbing heavily. He instinctively wrapped his arms around her; wanting to do everything he could to make her feel safe.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed into his chest. "I'm so sorry."

He pulled her more securely into her arms, supporting most of her weight as well as his. Leaning his forehead against the top of her head he started whispering what he hoped were soothing words into her hair. She was still sobbing, shaking too violently for his liking, and he just wanted to take away the pain.

After a few minutes he felt a hand grasp his shoulder, and he looked up startled. It was his father. He gestured for Lee to pick her up. Looking around he saw that everyone else had left the room.

Without a moment's hesitation he scooped Kara up in his arms. Her arms immediately wrapped around his neck and she buried her face into the side of his neck, the tears were still flowing even though the sobbing had somewhat subsided.

"Bring her to my quarters," Adama whispered softly.

Lee nodded and followed his father as he left the conference room. Luckily for them, for Kara's decency, it was late at night and his father's quarters weren't that far away, they managed not to run into any prying eyes along the way.

He followed his father through the hatch and turned to the left as he entered, heading straight for the bed. He laid her down gently and noticed that she had fallen asleep. Not knowing what else to do he tugged off her boots and covered her with a warm blanket.

Reluctantly he withdrew from her side and walked across the room to where his father was sitting on one of the couches. "I had no idea," were the choked words that his father said, turning to look up at Lee.

"I didn't either," he said regretfully as he sat down next to his father. "I knew it must have been bad, but that…" He left his sentence unfinished; he knew his father understood what he meant.

"We shouldn't have found out like that."

Lee ran one of his hands through his hair before letting it fall back down to his lap. "You really think she would have told us?"

When Adama didn't respond Lee looked over at him. "No, she wouldn't have. But we still shouldn't have found out like that. We're her family."

Lee nodded his head. "I just hope she remembers that."

* * *

Lee woke up in the middle of the night, hearing whimpering noises coming from the other side of the room. Realizing that it was Kara, he jumped off the couch and made his way to her as fast as he could considering that it was dark. He also tried to be as quiet as possible, given that his dad was asleep on another couch.

He crouched down beside the bed. Squinting, he saw that Kara was tossing and turning, and making noises that made him want to cry.

"Kara," he whispered softly as he placed his hand on her shoulder, shaking it gently. "Kara wake up." He shook her shoulder for a few more moments before she sat bolt upright in bed, suddenly taking in deep breaths. Even though it was dim he could see that she was obviously terrified, her eyes were wide open and she was shaking.

He stood up before sitting down on the edge of the mattress. Slowly and cautiously he placed his hand on her lower back. She jumped slightly and turned to look at him. He could see the recognition in her eyes as she realized who he was.

He gave her a small smile before he wrapped his arms around her body and pulled her flush against his side. He was surprised when she relaxed against him and wrapped her arms around him too.

After a little while he said, "I'm always here for you Kara, you know that right?"

Lee began to worry when she didn't respond right away. Eventually he heard her murmured reply, "I know." Her voice was quiet and unsure.

"I mean it," he said quietly, pulling her even tighter against him.

"I know," she whispered, more confident this time, as she tucked her head in underneath his chin. "I just forget sometimes."

They sat like that for a long time, until Lee's foot began to tingle. Kara was almost asleep so it didn't take much coaxing to get her to lie down on the bed, facing the wall. He lied down next to her so that her back was pressed firmly against his chest.

After a few minutes Lee heard her whisper, "I'm sorry", so quietly that he could barely hear. "I just…" She paused for a moment. "I just didn't think that I had that much to lose, and now that everything's gone…"

Lee's heart broke even more when she started crying again, sobs wracking her entire frame.

"You still have me Kara," he whispered softly as he rubbed his hand up and down her arm. "You'll always have me." For some reason this make her cry even harder.

He whispered more soothing words into her hair until she finally stopped crying and drifted off to sleep.

Wrapping his arms tightly around her, he pulled her as close as he could, hoping to hell that he could offer her the comfort that she needed.

The End


End file.
